I have had a fair amount of experience with perfectionism in my life.  I have a father who is very particular about how things should be done, and I adopted that mindset in my own life. For a time.  I remember distinctly having a conversation with my hubby one day when we were building a chicken coop.  Yes, we did have chickens for a while, it was a fun while it lasted.  Anyways, I had the nest boxes planned out in my head, and was trying to get my hubby to be on the same page.

It went a little something like this…” No, you’re just not getting it.  I wish I could plug your brain into mine so you can see how these nest boxes need to go together.”  After much deliberation and maybe a few raised voices, my hubby calmly said to me (he’s more of a peacemaker than I) “I see what you are trying to do with this, however that isn’t the only way it can be done. How I’m trying to do it, is a little different yes, but the outcome will be the same.”

I think my mind was a little blown that day, which may seem silly to you, but to me there was always the one perfect way of doing things.  This way of thinking had caused many different disputes and hurt feelings along the way with many people in my life.  Ever heard the saying “my way or the highway”? Yup, been there, done that.  That chicken coop experience was roughly 5 years ago and it really opened up my perspective. Everyone is an individual, who is shaped by their own life experiences and how they perceive the world and respond will be vastly different from how I respond to what life throws at me.  There is no one right way or perfect way of doing things.  (Just saying that again, it took some time for it to sink in for me)

We are all a work in progress, and it’s a journey, not a destination.  When I focused on perfectionism rather than the progress, more often than not, I would feel guilty.  Negative self-talk would roll around in my head…”I’m failing at this, I didn’t do this right, Why didn’t I get the results I wanted, I must have done something wrong, If only…..” Ugh that feels so heavy and icky.  Why am I doing this to myself???  That is not how I want to feel.  Now I choose to be patient with myself, show some love and understanding that I am going to fall on my face many times.  However, each time I do, I learn something from that experience. Look for the rainbow amidst the dark clouds.

One saying I adopted is “Practice makes proficient”  You may be familiar with the other version, however I realized that I wanted to pass down a more positive way of thinking to my children.  If someone strives for perfection in playing a beautiful piece of music and can proficiently play it, but messes up on one note? They are still proficient, perfection isn’t necessarily achievable.  So why strive for something I can almost always never obtain. Doesn’t that almost seem like setting ourselves up for failure?  This doesn’t mean that I just accept that this is my lot in life and there is no point in striving for something better, No!!!  I am big on personal growth and always moving towards improving ourselves in some way.  Otherwise we are stagnant and our energies need to go somewhere.  I think it has a lot to do with the expectations I place on myself.  If I expect that my children are going to clean there rooms, do their chores, complete their homework and go to bed on time without a single reminder from me, well that right there is an unrealistic expectation.  It won’t happen lol.  If I don’t set my expectations super high, then I’m not disappointed nearly as often.  But partly I just allow that we are all human and prone to mistakes and that’s ok.

Recently I had another insight regarding perfectionism, which spurred me to write this post.  Sometimes, when I set out to do certain things, if I can’t be sure it’s going to turn out the way I want or think it should, I just shut down and avoid it or don’t do it.  If you are a life coach, I’m sure you are dissecting that one right now.  This has been tough throughout the years and I’ve seen a pattern in my life.  Sub-consciously I think I felt like, it wasn’t going to be good enough, so why even try.  If I was going to fail (and by fail, I mean it isn’t going to turn out the way I perceive it should) then I should just save face and not do it.  Have you ever felt this way??  Phew, that kinda felt heavy, but good to get off my chest.  This one is gonna take some work to re-wire, but I have hope it can be done.

I try really hard now to be more accepting of others as individuals, where they are at in their headspace / heartspace.  I have not walked a mile in their shoes, I don’t know where they are coming from or the experiences that have shaped their outlook on life.  So, therefore, it is not my place to judge why they responded or reacted or behaved a certain way!!  Thank goodness too, because that just sounds like I would get a headache always trying to figure other peoples stuff out.  If someone blows up at me, I can choose to not take that personally.  I can choose to be more patient, loving, understanding and allow with grace, them, to live their life the way they feel they need to.  And I hope others will allow me the same courtesy.

It feels very liberating to think about your life as a choose your own adventure novel, remember those?  Life could go in any direction, there is no right or wrong way, just the way we choose.  I choose to focus on progress now instead of perfection.  Where do you choose to take your adventure??